‘You have this armor.. in battle you get stabbed but you can’t see the cuts’ Tweet This
Welcome to the the first episode of I Love You Man, the podcast for Heartmen.
In this season I’m interviewing other interesting men about the close male relationships in their lives. Along the way we find ourselves talking about other men’s issues too like putting up emotional shields, our relationships with our partners, our Dads and asking ourselves if we are enough.
I’m really excited to share these with you. My hope is that if you hear other men talking about this stuff (and at times being awkward too) it will make you feel like you can start talking honestly about this stuff with your friends.
If nothing else, I hope it just gives you some food for thought.
My very first guest is a new friend I have made here in Portland. At first I was intimidated by him. He says what he thinks, is a mindfulness expert and exudes a lot of wisdom.
We began hanging out and I learned he had this amazing story. He went from touring with bands, nights filled with drugs and strippers, to spending 2.5 years at a Zen Monastery and now coaching established business owners in being successful in all areas of their life.
Toku share’s a lot of great thoughts in this 1 hour conversation, I hope you enjoy it.
Toku’s website: Mind Fit Move
Toku’s TEDx talk: Picking Roles Models That Matter
Here are my take away’s from my talk with Toku:
‘Mindfulness is the best tool we have to express emotion safely.’ Tweet This
- Dating: We couldn’t really touch on relationships with other people without talking about girlfriends. Toku tells us about how he approached his relationships then and how he approaches them now.
- Comparing ourselves with other men: As we begin to elevate ourselves, our thoughts and our choices we tend to start hanging out with better men. When this happens though it can be easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to them and feeling like we don’t meet their standards. When that happens the next thought tends to be, well what’s the point in even trying? We chat about stepping out of that.
- Putting up walls, armour and shields: As men we want to protect those around us and ourselves. The easiest way to do that is to put up mental and emotional shields. Toku shares with us how these shields don’t actually protect us, they just hide our wounds. The pain is still there.
- Being intimate with other men: We need to redefine what intimate means. If you ask a man when he was last intimate with his partner, he will probably say when they were having sex. If you ask a woman when she was last intimate with her partner, she might tell you about this amazing conversation she had with them. How can we separate intimate and sexual from our definition and just have close relationships?
- The ‘What I Don’t Want You to Know About Me’ game: This is a fun game Toku played with me soon after we met. He said to me ‘What I don’t want you to know about me…’ and then told me he liked me and wanted to hang out more. It put him in a position of vulnerability and allowed us to connect because I thought he was cool too and also wanted to hang out more. This is a game you can play with your mates to get past the mounds of B.S. conversation and actually say what you feel.